Courtesy National Gallery of Art, Washington Over at The Hollow, my friend Dixie is highlighting her new essay on “Seasons of Hospitality.” In it, Dixie notes that hospitality is important — but tiring. She writes: [W]e work hard at hospitality and socializing.
Just to add to this conversation a bit- some theologians would say that some people have a special charism for hospitality. While we’re all called to it, for some people it’s a kind of supernatural gift. I wonder if sometimes we compare ourselves to those who have this gift without realising that it’s not really an apples to apples comparison? Of course having a charism doesn’t mean there’s no work involved! But for some people hospitality just does seem to come “easier” and more joyfully. Maybe the idea of charism is a piece of the puzzle?
So true! Just like with “real jobs,” such as being a teacher or a doctor, some have a special gift for hospitality. We all have different gifts and vocations. I love the way you phrase that!
Very good point, Kerri! I think people tend to think in terms of introversion and extroversion on hospitality but it may more be about talent or charism...
Yes- I think/ my experience is that it’s about so many factors, as you pointed out- introversion and extroversion, energy and seasons of life (often dictated by constantly shifting hormones or external factors like job changes) but I think adding the possibility of charism also explains why some people, who don’t seem to be extroverts or “party people” in particular, seem to host so well and with such ease. It’s rare that we would compare ourselves to someone in a “real job” as Ivana pointed out- and think “oh she’s a better nurse than I am” but I think for some reason hospitality lends itself to unhelpful comparison/ guilt sometimes. But what if that nurse has a real charism of healing? It’s just a different realm altogether. (Not sure if I’m articulating this super well.)
I think I understand you. We all have our particular charisms, but we all also are called to many of the same things. -- but perhaps the charism factor gets lots when we expect everyone to do something as frequently, joyfully, and perfectly as those who are clearly very much blessed with gifts in that area!
I love this conversation! Hospitality has become so evidently important in the season I’m in--a two year old and a four month old--where getting out of the house can be so much more draining than hosting. We end up asking a lot of friends to come to our home, and while we don’t always have the time to deep-clean the living room or pre-set the table, I still see so much fruit for myself and for my family in the act of welcoming friends and family into our home.
I’m working on a post about hosting as a mindset for the family meal that I hope to share in a few weeks--if I think about it, I’ll give you and Dixie a tag when it’s published as I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
How lovely that you've found a good way -- asking friends to come to you, but not being crazy about preparations! I'm so glad -- four months is always when I start to feel a bit more ready to take on "normal life" again, but because of that, it's also always a delicate time for me. Sounds like you have made smart choices to protect your energy as you go through that transition!
Being a good host is absolutely work. I see how much time my wife put into the food she prepares, cleaning the house, preparing the house to make it as comfortable and as inviting to our guest as possible. I try and pitch in wherever I can usually smoking some meat or firing up the grill when applicable, and I always volunteer to clean the kitchen and put everything away when our guests leave. The idea of one person doing all of that is just overwhelming.
The wonderful thing is that when you truly become close with someone, they help clean up without asking!! I just treasure those friends (and of course, my husband!).
"I believe this difficulty in recognizing the work of hospitality is part of a larger failure to recognize the labor involved in important, but non-monetized “women’s work.” America in 2023 too often simply does not understand the work that goes into homemaking, mothering, and community-building."
So well-said, Ivana!!! And thank you for the tip about Stephanie Murray's work -- I always benefit from reading her perspectives, and especially when I read you and her in conversation.
Just to add to this conversation a bit- some theologians would say that some people have a special charism for hospitality. While we’re all called to it, for some people it’s a kind of supernatural gift. I wonder if sometimes we compare ourselves to those who have this gift without realising that it’s not really an apples to apples comparison? Of course having a charism doesn’t mean there’s no work involved! But for some people hospitality just does seem to come “easier” and more joyfully. Maybe the idea of charism is a piece of the puzzle?
So true! Just like with “real jobs,” such as being a teacher or a doctor, some have a special gift for hospitality. We all have different gifts and vocations. I love the way you phrase that!
Very good point, Kerri! I think people tend to think in terms of introversion and extroversion on hospitality but it may more be about talent or charism...
Yes- I think/ my experience is that it’s about so many factors, as you pointed out- introversion and extroversion, energy and seasons of life (often dictated by constantly shifting hormones or external factors like job changes) but I think adding the possibility of charism also explains why some people, who don’t seem to be extroverts or “party people” in particular, seem to host so well and with such ease. It’s rare that we would compare ourselves to someone in a “real job” as Ivana pointed out- and think “oh she’s a better nurse than I am” but I think for some reason hospitality lends itself to unhelpful comparison/ guilt sometimes. But what if that nurse has a real charism of healing? It’s just a different realm altogether. (Not sure if I’m articulating this super well.)
I think I understand you. We all have our particular charisms, but we all also are called to many of the same things. -- but perhaps the charism factor gets lots when we expect everyone to do something as frequently, joyfully, and perfectly as those who are clearly very much blessed with gifts in that area!
Exactly! And much more succinctly put :)
Well, I mean, I did just write a whole essay on the topic, so it's maybe been on my mind ;)
I love this conversation! Hospitality has become so evidently important in the season I’m in--a two year old and a four month old--where getting out of the house can be so much more draining than hosting. We end up asking a lot of friends to come to our home, and while we don’t always have the time to deep-clean the living room or pre-set the table, I still see so much fruit for myself and for my family in the act of welcoming friends and family into our home.
I’m working on a post about hosting as a mindset for the family meal that I hope to share in a few weeks--if I think about it, I’ll give you and Dixie a tag when it’s published as I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
I’d love that, thank you! Many congratulations on your new baby!
Thank you!
I'd love a tag, too! Sounds like an intriguing piece.
How lovely that you've found a good way -- asking friends to come to you, but not being crazy about preparations! I'm so glad -- four months is always when I start to feel a bit more ready to take on "normal life" again, but because of that, it's also always a delicate time for me. Sounds like you have made smart choices to protect your energy as you go through that transition!
Being a good host is absolutely work. I see how much time my wife put into the food she prepares, cleaning the house, preparing the house to make it as comfortable and as inviting to our guest as possible. I try and pitch in wherever I can usually smoking some meat or firing up the grill when applicable, and I always volunteer to clean the kitchen and put everything away when our guests leave. The idea of one person doing all of that is just overwhelming.
Doing the clean up after a party is a big job in itself! (And my personal least favorite!)
I think it’s everyone’s least favorite!
The wonderful thing is that when you truly become close with someone, they help clean up without asking!! I just treasure those friends (and of course, my husband!).
"I believe this difficulty in recognizing the work of hospitality is part of a larger failure to recognize the labor involved in important, but non-monetized “women’s work.” America in 2023 too often simply does not understand the work that goes into homemaking, mothering, and community-building."
So well-said, Ivana!!! And thank you for the tip about Stephanie Murray's work -- I always benefit from reading her perspectives, and especially when I read you and her in conversation.
I think it’s important to note that the work of homemaker isn’t just socially important work, it is also *spiritually* important work.
Thanks for this piece. You’re absolutely right, hospitality is a lot of work, but always worth it.