Hospitality as Work: A Conversation With Dixie Dillon Lane on "Seasons of Hospitality"

Courtesy National Gallery of Art, Washington

Over at The Hollow, my friend Dixie is highlighting her new essay on “Seasons of Hospitality.” In it, Dixie notes that hospitality is important — but tiring. She writes:

[W]e work hard at hospitality and socializing. And sometimes we wear ourselves out.

Today in my inaugural post at Theology of Home, I propose an alternative for women, in particular: a seasonal or cyclical way of considering building friendship and offering hospitality. This way may be more suited to the seasonal nature of feminine energy than the rat race of always trying harder socially, one thing after another, again and again, until you’re worn out, and sometimes without many people reciprocating in return.

I encourage you to read the post, as well as her linked article at the Theology of Home. In reading it myself, I was struck by the way that our society undervalues hospitality; failing to see it as the work that it truly is.

Hospitality is a labor of love, but it is still labor. Sending out invitations, cleaning, planning, cooking, considering the particular personalities and needs of invited guests . . . these are all cognitively (and sometimes physically) demanding tasks. We nevertheless have tendency to view it as recreation. Much of society views throwing parties, having friends over for coffee, and hosting overnight guests as “fun” activities that one does separately from the “real” work of one’s job.

Courtesy National Gallery of Art, Washington

To be clear, welcoming others into one’s home can be interesting, deeply meaningful, and rewarding. However, we should not lose sight of the fact that it is a complex activity that requires energy, time, and bandwidth to execute. If I were a private chef and hosted a four-hour long dinner party for twenty-five people, it is easy to recognize that I would need to spend significant time planning, prepping, and recovering from that activity. Somehow, however, we are taken aback when extending hospitality to others leaves us worn out and tired. Perhaps I’m just an introvert, we think. Perhaps I don’t “have what it takes” to be a good hostess. Perhaps, or perhaps we have kids, a home, and other demands, and extending hospitality to others was one task too many in a busy season of life.

I believe this difficulty in recognizing the work of hospitality is part of a larger failure to recognize the labor involved in important, but non-monetized “women’s work.” America in 2023 too often simply does not understand the work that goes into homemaking, mothering, and community-building.

After her article was published, Dixie and I had a follow-up conversation on this topic. She observed: “[S]o much ‘womanly’ work is not really considered work because it is considered natural or normal or vocational. Just because it is natural (like childbirth) doesn’t mean it is not also hard work or doesn’t need support.” Similarly, Stephanie Murray has written an excellent new essay at The Atlantic touching on this topic. She explains that our understanding of the economy often wrongly excludes the work of parenting, household labor, and similar activities :

For years, feminist economists have complained that the primary methods by which we measure the size and health of the economy leave a whole lot out. GDP, for example, primarily measures goods and services bought and sold in the market economy, excluding those produced by households. Our entire economy hinges on human labor, but the unpaid work that goes into raising a productive laborer is absent from economic indicators.

I have likewise argued that we must recognize that the work of homemaking and homemakers is critical to society. Even though domestic labor does not appear in the GDP, it is socially important work.

Courtesy National Gallery of Art, Washington

Thus, we do not value the importance of homemaking generally, and as a part of that overall failure, we often do not recognize the importance and labor of hospitality. And, to be clear, hospitality is profoundly important. The Surgeon General announced this year that loneliness in America has reached “epidemic proportions.” Loneliness is associated with with poor physical and mental health, including cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and — at the extremes — suicide. The women and men who do the work of providing hospitality to their families, friends, and neighbors are serving a critical role in helping stem this rising tide of loneliness. They deserve our appreciation and our thanks.

To those who extend the gift of hospitality to others - thank you! Be sure, as Dixie writes, to notice when you need to rest and recuperate from your labor. “Hospitality,” she wisely observes, “is a marathon, not a sprint.” For those of us (like myself) who so often benefit from the hospitality of others, it is very good to remember that they are doing real work, which should be respected as such.

Do you think of hospitality as work?