Gloire de Dijon, Wikipedia Public Domain Today we are discussing homemaking and motherhood with Dr. Dixie Dillon Lane, who has so many wise things to say on real self-care, our society’s failure to support new mothers, homeschooling, and much more!
Building a healthy family so that "when our children are grown and have their own children, my husband and I will be able to help them *and they will want our help*." This is it, exactly.
This was such a great interview full of real life wisdom! I nodded along to so much of it.
I’ve heard it called “boring self care”, but it’s really just attending to the basic needs. When I was first learning how to actually take care of myself it helped to think about what I’d do for my toddler and do that for myself. It’s honestly so challenging to remember to eat when you’re taking care of everyone else all the time and it seems sort of like a pain.
The biggest needle movers for me are adequate protein, regular supplements, time outside, and journaling. None of them are very exciting and they all make a huge difference if I do (or don’t do) them regularly.
Yes! The hierarchy of needs is real, but it feels simplistic. But if I sleep and eat and take deep breaths? Lo and behold. I can function 🤦♀️. My husbands first question if things seem off is “have you eaten?”
Yes, my understanding is that actual psychologists take a much more complex view of Maslow's hierarchy, but it is super-helpful for me to think about it jut simplistically! I know that when my toddlers start crying without reason, they are probably tired, hungry, hurting, or lonely (or just...toddlers). Why would I be any different when I feel as if the sky is falling? Is the sky actually falling, or does my back just hurt and I need to take an Advil, for example, and sit down?
Sep 30, 2023·edited Sep 30, 2023Liked by Ivana Greco
I'd like to daringly suggest that healthy self-care goes beyond the basics. We should assume the basics (of showering/eating/sleep) without guilt. Healthy self-care more than that. It is taking time to pursue the other aspects of who we are (talents/interests/work/communities) that outside of our homemaking roles as wife and mother.
I think you’re absolutely right! I do think moms need more than just basic needs met - but they absolutely need those met first. And for some (speaking from experience) learning to listen to your actual physical cues is the first step to even having a clue what sort of other things would bring you joy or rest or pleasure. I had no idea how to know what I wanted or even liked for quite some time.
I have a theory that women stop listening to their bodies in part because we don't receive good information about caring for ourselves during menstruation (and ovulation). The marketing is all "just plug it up and get back to your life" and women are not expected to honor the cyclical design of their bodies. This continues with pregnancy and postpartum and breastfeeding. It occurred to me suddenly about 3 years ago that I could plan to *rest* and *nourish myself* during "that time of the month."
I was literally 36 years old before this occurred to me.
Indeed! Hence the reading idea...and so many lovely things! We are persons and persons have many different needs and desires. It is good for the family to make room for the mother in both need and desire, just as it does for other members!
And in doing so, we model proper self-regard and boundaries to our children so they to learn how to be fully-fleshed humans who respect themselves and others. I keep coming back to the second part of greatest commandment. How do we indeed love others if we do not know how to love ourselves? God says we love because He first loved us. Since He loves us, then we can see ourselves as loveable. I wonder if sometimes my lack of self-care/self-regard is really just not properly loving myself and hiding it under the label of "self-sacrifice."
For me, self care has looked like reading again-- just for myself (so not exclusively parenting books). After my two kids were born, I progressively started to read less and less. I've now discovered I'm my best "me" when reading. It's intellectually stimulating and I've joined two IRL book clubs so there's a community aspect, too. [And on a side note, deleting Instagram upped my yearly book count by almost double! So worth it.]
Lauren, I read somewhere a few years ago that children develop the habit of reading for pleasure not just from being read to, but especially from seeing their parents read for pleasure. It makes so much sense! They pick up on our habits!
I love the directness of this: put the baby down and take a shower! Ha. My self care this year has included prioritizing physical therapy and chiropractic care, and purchasing a rather pricey gym membership that includes the amenities I need to keep up my healing progress. (Something I never would have justified in past years). I’m 8 months postpartum from my fourth baby and still haven’t fully healed. I realized that always trying to get by with the bare minimum of exercise/physical recovery has left me in this state so I’m determined to keep up with exercise instead of stopping the moment I can “get by”
So important- and hard- to recover physically from birth. My second baby did a number of my left hip, and it took sooooooo long to recover, but I did eventually get there.
Kathleen, I'm so sorry you're having a hard postpartum year! You should be proud of yourself for getting the physical care and treatment you need. It is essential!!
Writing here on Substack has been a game-changer for me in terms of "self-care" and getting my personal needs for adult conversation, creative outlet, etc. met. Not only my I-hope-it's-not-a-mom-blog but also writing fiction again for the first time in over a decade. The little fiction community here on Substack is so supportive and encouraging. I'm hoping that as the weather cools down, I can start to add more regular outside time and/or exercise to my routine, with or without my girls in tow, as exercise is an area where I've struggled to find a rhythm/routine that felt life-giving instead of soul-sucking.
I love Charlotte Mason's sense of "mother culture" for this. I can't keep up with her expectations but I definitely can try to remember that I have a spirit that needs nourishment! The "try" part being key, sigh...
Haha - I am currently in my learning phase, reading a book on her connection to the Classical Tradition, and watching through a podcaster's videos on the same. (Perhaps I will read her own books.) Grateful that even though she is quite passionate and has seemingly endless philosophies to grant us, she has Mother Culture -- and for that I'm grateful. :)
Same about Substack over here! I started mine (or, more a restart of a similar, lapsed Wordpress endeavor) just before giving birth to our second. For myself, reading and having space to live in the world of ideas for a bit is always where I've come alive. So, doing a weekly newsletter and seeking good things out for it has been an absolute life-saver in my current season. (And audiobooks!!)
I run a reading group for moms that serves a similar purpose - but with wine. It has been so great to use a part of my brain that often gets underutilized during the baby/toddler years. Right now we are reading Flannery O’Connor!
Recently I have been enjoying incorporating more walking into my daily life. When I get dinner on the table early enough, my husband and I take the dog on a walk by ourselves for a half hour and it's really nice our oldest kids (we have six) are able to keep everyone alive for that half hour now -- that's only a recent development.
Amen. Amen. Amen. I wish I could send this back in time to myself c. 2015 as a brand new mom. Would have saved me so much heartache. I heard so much about self-care at the time but no one modeled how to do it. Self-care was something we squeezed into the margins if we had any rather than something we built into our daily routine.
That 80/20 statement is so bold. And freeing. Especially in a society and broader Christian culture that expects mothers to sacrifice 101% for their families. I echo Dorothy Sayers famous question (with a twist): Aren't mothers humans?
Sep 30, 2023·edited Sep 30, 2023Liked by Ivana Greco
I've always struggled with my perception that adequate self-care was getting any break or treat at all and that I was supposed to return from it "fixed." I think it's important to realize that self-care needs to be regular and needs to actually be restorative, nurturing, or whatever it is that is needed. I remembered sobbing once to a therapist who was trying to nudge me toward better self-care, "But I already take a bath *every single day*!" It was then that I realized how absurd it was that I thought that bathing every day was some sort of treat or special indulgence that should be all that I ever needed, and more.
Yeah.
But that's how I thought mothers were supposed to be. Totally refreshed by one bath.
To be clear, this was totally self-/culturally-imposed. My husband never thought these things -- he has always supported me in my needs and healthy desires a million percent!
“But that’s how I thought mothers were supposed to be. Refreshed by one bath.” I think you’ve summed up what’s going on (consciously or unconsciously) for most mothers I know.
Yes, somehow we do have a pretty good concept of “caregiver burnout” in other contexts, particularly professional ones where there is a whole infrastructure dedicated to avoiding it. But somehow we fail to apply it to moms.
An experienced mom of 10 once talked about how hard it is to be home with littles- she described it as “being surrounded by tiny irrational people”, which I thought was very accurate! And we do talk a lot about burnout in terms of caring for those with Alzheimer’s or other diseases that can render life extra emotionally difficult, on top of the physical care- but you’re right. We rarely talk about it for moms. Perhaps it’s because (as Jen Fulwiler says) we think of motherhood as a “choice” in our culture, and so our culture has a less compassionate “well, you made your bed, now you lie in it” mentality about motherhood than about other caregiving situations.
Thank heavens for experienced moms who are willing to say things like this! It is hard work. So rewarding, so hard. I think that the pre-rationality stages are full of sweetness, but it's really challenging being the only rational person in the room for hours and hours per day for years and years on end. Really challenging. The negative feedback you get from these littles when you are actually doing the right and rational thing is pretty rough.
I find that if it has been weeks since I used my hands to be creative (mainly sewing is what I love) then my mental health starts to suffer. I need to lose myself in the peaceful rhythms of dreaming, designing, cutting, sewing, ironing, repeat. That and having a good book on my nightstand and snatching some moments with the Word. And snacks! Lord help me if I don't eat any snacks.
Building a healthy family so that "when our children are grown and have their own children, my husband and I will be able to help them *and they will want our help*." This is it, exactly.
So good!
Thank you, Rita!
This was such a great interview full of real life wisdom! I nodded along to so much of it.
I’ve heard it called “boring self care”, but it’s really just attending to the basic needs. When I was first learning how to actually take care of myself it helped to think about what I’d do for my toddler and do that for myself. It’s honestly so challenging to remember to eat when you’re taking care of everyone else all the time and it seems sort of like a pain.
The biggest needle movers for me are adequate protein, regular supplements, time outside, and journaling. None of them are very exciting and they all make a huge difference if I do (or don’t do) them regularly.
Oh my gosh, Annelise. I literally have an essay called "How to Love Your Toddler Self." We are SO on the same wavelength! (And I am SO still struggling with this all the time!) https://www.wallflowerjournal.com/opinions-stories/beyond-self-care-how-to-love-your-toddler-self
Yes! The hierarchy of needs is real, but it feels simplistic. But if I sleep and eat and take deep breaths? Lo and behold. I can function 🤦♀️. My husbands first question if things seem off is “have you eaten?”
Yes, my understanding is that actual psychologists take a much more complex view of Maslow's hierarchy, but it is super-helpful for me to think about it jut simplistically! I know that when my toddlers start crying without reason, they are probably tired, hungry, hurting, or lonely (or just...toddlers). Why would I be any different when I feel as if the sky is falling? Is the sky actually falling, or does my back just hurt and I need to take an Advil, for example, and sit down?
I'd like to daringly suggest that healthy self-care goes beyond the basics. We should assume the basics (of showering/eating/sleep) without guilt. Healthy self-care more than that. It is taking time to pursue the other aspects of who we are (talents/interests/work/communities) that outside of our homemaking roles as wife and mother.
I think you’re absolutely right! I do think moms need more than just basic needs met - but they absolutely need those met first. And for some (speaking from experience) learning to listen to your actual physical cues is the first step to even having a clue what sort of other things would bring you joy or rest or pleasure. I had no idea how to know what I wanted or even liked for quite some time.
Yes! I have had to spend the last four years or so just trying to listen to my body haha. I am still working on going to bed on time 🥲
I have a theory that women stop listening to their bodies in part because we don't receive good information about caring for ourselves during menstruation (and ovulation). The marketing is all "just plug it up and get back to your life" and women are not expected to honor the cyclical design of their bodies. This continues with pregnancy and postpartum and breastfeeding. It occurred to me suddenly about 3 years ago that I could plan to *rest* and *nourish myself* during "that time of the month."
I was literally 36 years old before this occurred to me.
DIXIE I’m just seeing this comment but 🔥🔥🔥🔥 that’s all I have to say
"I had no idea how to know what I wanted or even liked for quite some time."
Me, too. Still working on this, but I'm in a much better place now with it.
Yes! Me too.
Indeed! Hence the reading idea...and so many lovely things! We are persons and persons have many different needs and desires. It is good for the family to make room for the mother in both need and desire, just as it does for other members!
And in doing so, we model proper self-regard and boundaries to our children so they to learn how to be fully-fleshed humans who respect themselves and others. I keep coming back to the second part of greatest commandment. How do we indeed love others if we do not know how to love ourselves? God says we love because He first loved us. Since He loves us, then we can see ourselves as loveable. I wonder if sometimes my lack of self-care/self-regard is really just not properly loving myself and hiding it under the label of "self-sacrifice."
Indeed. It also helps us be cheerful and joyful. We need to do what we can to be happy, for ourselves and also for our family!
For me, self care has looked like reading again-- just for myself (so not exclusively parenting books). After my two kids were born, I progressively started to read less and less. I've now discovered I'm my best "me" when reading. It's intellectually stimulating and I've joined two IRL book clubs so there's a community aspect, too. [And on a side note, deleting Instagram upped my yearly book count by almost double! So worth it.]
I love to read so much and it’s so important to prioritize because as you know otherwise you just don’t do it.
Lauren, I read somewhere a few years ago that children develop the habit of reading for pleasure not just from being read to, but especially from seeing their parents read for pleasure. It makes so much sense! They pick up on our habits!
I love the directness of this: put the baby down and take a shower! Ha. My self care this year has included prioritizing physical therapy and chiropractic care, and purchasing a rather pricey gym membership that includes the amenities I need to keep up my healing progress. (Something I never would have justified in past years). I’m 8 months postpartum from my fourth baby and still haven’t fully healed. I realized that always trying to get by with the bare minimum of exercise/physical recovery has left me in this state so I’m determined to keep up with exercise instead of stopping the moment I can “get by”
So important- and hard- to recover physically from birth. My second baby did a number of my left hip, and it took sooooooo long to recover, but I did eventually get there.
Kathleen, I'm so sorry you're having a hard postpartum year! You should be proud of yourself for getting the physical care and treatment you need. It is essential!!
Writing here on Substack has been a game-changer for me in terms of "self-care" and getting my personal needs for adult conversation, creative outlet, etc. met. Not only my I-hope-it's-not-a-mom-blog but also writing fiction again for the first time in over a decade. The little fiction community here on Substack is so supportive and encouraging. I'm hoping that as the weather cools down, I can start to add more regular outside time and/or exercise to my routine, with or without my girls in tow, as exercise is an area where I've struggled to find a rhythm/routine that felt life-giving instead of soul-sucking.
Creative pursuits are so wonderful to remind yourself that you are a human being first, and a mom second!
I personally don't do tattoos but if I did, it would say something like that. I'm a human first.
I love Charlotte Mason's sense of "mother culture" for this. I can't keep up with her expectations but I definitely can try to remember that I have a spirit that needs nourishment! The "try" part being key, sigh...
"I can't keep up with her expectations"!!!
Haha - I am currently in my learning phase, reading a book on her connection to the Classical Tradition, and watching through a podcaster's videos on the same. (Perhaps I will read her own books.) Grateful that even though she is quite passionate and has seemingly endless philosophies to grant us, she has Mother Culture -- and for that I'm grateful. :)
I love that she seems to understand the importance good health. And she insists that Mom should have the same!
Same about Substack over here! I started mine (or, more a restart of a similar, lapsed Wordpress endeavor) just before giving birth to our second. For myself, reading and having space to live in the world of ideas for a bit is always where I've come alive. So, doing a weekly newsletter and seeking good things out for it has been an absolute life-saver in my current season. (And audiobooks!!)
I run a reading group for moms that serves a similar purpose - but with wine. It has been so great to use a part of my brain that often gets underutilized during the baby/toddler years. Right now we are reading Flannery O’Connor!
yes. Substack has become a core part of my self-care! Even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes at the end of the day. :)
Recently I have been enjoying incorporating more walking into my daily life. When I get dinner on the table early enough, my husband and I take the dog on a walk by ourselves for a half hour and it's really nice our oldest kids (we have six) are able to keep everyone alive for that half hour now -- that's only a recent development.
Walking is so important to me also! What a joy to have reached the stage where you can leave the kids alone with an older sib for a minute.
Oh my gosh, walking is the best! The longer, the better. But even a ten minute walk is a game changer!
Amen. Amen. Amen. I wish I could send this back in time to myself c. 2015 as a brand new mom. Would have saved me so much heartache. I heard so much about self-care at the time but no one modeled how to do it. Self-care was something we squeezed into the margins if we had any rather than something we built into our daily routine.
That 80/20 statement is so bold. And freeing. Especially in a society and broader Christian culture that expects mothers to sacrifice 101% for their families. I echo Dorothy Sayers famous question (with a twist): Aren't mothers humans?
I've always struggled with my perception that adequate self-care was getting any break or treat at all and that I was supposed to return from it "fixed." I think it's important to realize that self-care needs to be regular and needs to actually be restorative, nurturing, or whatever it is that is needed. I remembered sobbing once to a therapist who was trying to nudge me toward better self-care, "But I already take a bath *every single day*!" It was then that I realized how absurd it was that I thought that bathing every day was some sort of treat or special indulgence that should be all that I ever needed, and more.
Yeah.
But that's how I thought mothers were supposed to be. Totally refreshed by one bath.
To be clear, this was totally self-/culturally-imposed. My husband never thought these things -- he has always supported me in my needs and healthy desires a million percent!
“But that’s how I thought mothers were supposed to be. Refreshed by one bath.” I think you’ve summed up what’s going on (consciously or unconsciously) for most mothers I know.
Yes, somehow we do have a pretty good concept of “caregiver burnout” in other contexts, particularly professional ones where there is a whole infrastructure dedicated to avoiding it. But somehow we fail to apply it to moms.
An experienced mom of 10 once talked about how hard it is to be home with littles- she described it as “being surrounded by tiny irrational people”, which I thought was very accurate! And we do talk a lot about burnout in terms of caring for those with Alzheimer’s or other diseases that can render life extra emotionally difficult, on top of the physical care- but you’re right. We rarely talk about it for moms. Perhaps it’s because (as Jen Fulwiler says) we think of motherhood as a “choice” in our culture, and so our culture has a less compassionate “well, you made your bed, now you lie in it” mentality about motherhood than about other caregiving situations.
Thank heavens for experienced moms who are willing to say things like this! It is hard work. So rewarding, so hard. I think that the pre-rationality stages are full of sweetness, but it's really challenging being the only rational person in the room for hours and hours per day for years and years on end. Really challenging. The negative feedback you get from these littles when you are actually doing the right and rational thing is pretty rough.
Thank you for this!
I find that if it has been weeks since I used my hands to be creative (mainly sewing is what I love) then my mental health starts to suffer. I need to lose myself in the peaceful rhythms of dreaming, designing, cutting, sewing, ironing, repeat. That and having a good book on my nightstand and snatching some moments with the Word. And snacks! Lord help me if I don't eat any snacks.