An Interview with Dixie Dillon Lane at “The Hollow”

Gloire de Dijon, Wikipedia Public Domain

Today we are discussing homemaking and motherhood with Dr. Dixie Dillon Lane, who has so many wise things to say on real self-care, our society’s failure to support new mothers, homeschooling, and much more!

Two preliminary notes:

1. I do not think of being a homemaker as excluding paid or unpaid work outside the home. Rather, I think of it as a vocation towards home and family—but one that is compatible with all sorts of other activities besides mothering, housework, and cooking (though those are very important!) Many homemakers I know freelance or have part time jobs -- or do significant volunteer work in their communities.

2. I conceived of this project as a series of interviews with people who view themselves as homemakers. Other professions have career development, professional journals, continuing education, and so forth to help inspire and sharpen skills. I’d like this series to provide a little of that for homemakers.

On to the interview! Let’s talk to Dixie!

Our kind interviewee: Dr. Dixie Dillon Lane

I would love to hear about your educational and work background before you became a mother.

I attended public school for grades K-12, mostly in Southern California but also for a brief stint in Paris, France. My parents were both educators, so I grew up thinking about education and asking lots of questions all the time. I was also a very imaginative kid, which led to an interest in stories and in history, which I ended up studying at Middlebury College.

After college I worked in the Manuscripts Department at the Huntington Library in Southern California, where I got to touch amazing historical documents with my bare hands on the regular and also enjoyed pilfering citrus fruits from the botanical gardens during my breaks.

After a couple of truly inspiring years there, I moved to Indiana to start work on a Ph.D. in History at the University of Notre Dame. I T.A.’d and did some other work at Notre Dame as part of the program; married; and then had two babies before I finished my degree in 2015, by which time we had moved to Virginia.

I have adjuncted in history here and there and also have given some talks and done some K-12 part-time teaching in the past ten years or so, but have never returned to full-time paid work since the birth of my first little one.

Currently I am a writer and editor as well as a homemaker and homeschooling mother.

When did you become a mom? What was that transition like?

Our first daughter was born in 2011, while we were conducting our dissertation research. That was pretty hard. I was dreadfully ill in pregnancy and lacking in support; and then our beautiful daughter had some challenges and I sunk into a pretty deep depression pretty quickly. So it was very, very hard.

But I also loved my daughter fiercely and was supremely happy to be her mother. I just had a lot to figure out – and over time, I learned that it wasn’t really that there was something wrong with me. The problem wasn’t that I wasn’t up to snuff. Instead, it was that our society and culture — and even many families — are so broken that very few mothers actually get the care and support that they need in order to be healthy emotionally and physically during and after pregnancy. So it has become very important to me to try to speak this truth to young mothers and do what I can to change this culture.

How many and how old are your kids now?

My husband and I have four great kids ages 12, 9, 6, and 3. All of our ages, including mine and my husband’s, are currently multiples of 3, which is kinda cool!

How and when did you become a homemaker? (I’ve talked to many women for whom it has been almost an accidental transition, and others for whom it was very purposeful).

I became a homemaker soon after my first child was born, when I suddenly realized that nobody but me or my husband would be able to give her the care she needed. She was very fussy (we learned far too late that she had a dairy allergy and terrible reflux) and would cry almost constantly, far beyond the normal limits of colic. My husband and I were at a loss as to what to do and we had almost nobody to help us.

Initially I had envisioned myself toting a quiet, happy baby with me to class or to archives, but that was clearly not going to happen. And I realized that while I was willing to hold my daughter while she cried, even if I could do nothing else to help her, that was something that a day care provider simply would not be able to do (due to having other children to care for). So I just sort of quietly stopped working on my dissertation until she was a little older.

Since then, I have often pursued part-time work of one sort or another, but I have never been able to fathom how to work full-time without missing out on too much of the relational and personal work I want to do with my kids. I acknowledge that some mothers are able to manage this and I support them in it, but it doesn’t make sense for me, myself.  

I do believe, however, that being largely “at home” with my kids still involves setting some personal and family boundaries that allow for me to pursue interests beyond child-rearing and housework. It’s good for kids to see that Mom is going to do things that are not exclusively oriented toward them, even just something like reading her own book for pleasure and saying, “Mom’s going to read her book for a few minutes now. You may go off and play or look at your on book quietly here next to me, but you may not interrupt me.” That, too, is part of living in a family!

What do you think are the most important skills to be a competent homemaker? How did you learn or how are you learning them?

Well, competency in chores and cooking and setting up systems is hugely important. It doesn’t have to be perfect or even near-perfect, but you don’t want things to be gross. It puts stress on everyone. But everyday life will include toys on the floor and mismatched sheets and sometimes chicken nuggets. And that’s okay. Remember that as the kids get older, they will be able to help you! I almost never clean bathrooms or do the evening dishes anymore – the kids are wonderful for pitching in, if you will take the time to teach them!

This is especially important if you are homeschooling your children, because that means you will almost all be at home almost all day most days, and so things will get messy and chaotic really easily, as well as just plain dirty. If you know you’re going to get to certain things each night or on the weekend, with the whole family’s help, then you can be more peaceful about the ordinary mess of everyday life.

Learning these skills takes time and mentorship, if you can find it, and also a lot of gentleness on yourself. Good enough is good enough. Don’t become a perfectionist; remember that a poorly-swept floor is still better than an unswept one!

But I think the most important thing is less a skill than a characteristic or, maybe, a decision: to show your children and your husband that you enjoy being with them and are glad to be the heart of the family.

What do you think is the most difficult part of becoming and being a homemaker? Any suggestions for those who might be facing similar problems?

That’s the hardest part, what I mentioned above. Showing enjoyment.

It’s easy when you feel good: you’re rested, you’re neither hungry nor thirsty, kids are not being rude to you, and your husband has recently told you he appreciates you.

But this isn’t how it is most of the time unless you actually take deliberate action to make it so, especially while you’re in the thick of having babies. You can get really depleted really quickly, if you’re not careful. Dangerously depleted, even.

We all have seasons wherein we have to give more than is really sustainable, but those should be seasons, not strings of years on end.

So what do you do?

You – YOU – have to take responsibility for giving yourself the resources to be cheerful most (not all) of the time about your lot in life. And I don’t mean bubble baths, though those are good! I mean that it is unacceptable for you to forget to eat or drink. You should put the baby in the crib while you shower, even if the baby cries, if the alternative is not showering for days on end. You also need to wear clothes that fit you properly when you can – if you’re feeling upset about your body shape or the baby weight, it is often because you are wearing ill-fitting clothes because you don’t want to spend money on yourself, even thrift-store-level money.

And if you simply can’t afford new clothes, or you can’t find a babysitter or can’t afford one and so can’t take breaks, or whatever other obstacle comes up in your way, don’t give up. Continue to seek small solutions. Most homemakers don’t struggle emotionally because they are inherently bad and just can’t deal; they struggle emotionally because they aren’t well enough cared-for. But they think it is because they just aren’t good enough or grateful enough.

No – homemakers are just human. They need their basic physical and emotional and social needs to be adequately met, or they will be anxious and distressed.

So, do care for yourself. Give your children and husband 80% of your energies and use the rest to take care of yourself, even if mothers around you seem to be able to get along without this. Otherwise, you will end up being only a shadow of the spouse and mother than you could be and that you want to be for your beloved family.

What do you think is the most rewarding part of being a homemaker?

I love to create a warm environment for my children and to have fun with them! I want them to have a foundation to fall back on in later years. My goal is to create a family that is healthy enough and attached enough that when our children are grown and have their own children, my husband and I will be able to help them and they will want our help.

But even more than that, it’s just seeing my children grow. Each one of them is such a miracle. How on earth did I get so lucky as to be given four incredible, unrepeatable souls to know and love so intimately?

And it is looking around at my home and the fruits of my labor and saying to myself: This is good. Even when things go awry, I can look at it and say: The principles here are good. We are trying to do good. We are trying to build something. Surely all this effort won’t be in vain.

For those who would like to get to know you and your work (both as a homemaker and outside the home) better, where should they look?

I often write about homemaking, homeschooling, history, and education for various journals and blogs and am currently wrapping up a book manuscript on the history of homeschooling.

I would love for you all to join in on the conversation on these topics over at my free Substack, TheHollow. I’d also love to see you all over at Hearth & Field, where I am an Associate Editor, and at the Arena blog at Current.

Readers, inspired by Dixie, I would love to hear about what you think of as REAL self-care. Bubble-baths are good (I love bubble baths myself), but taking care of yourself while you are a homemaker and mother requires more! What do you do to nurture yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, so you can pour out of that into your family and community? Over here (where we believe in reality) I know that — especially in the baby and toddler years — there may be only a little bit of time for this important work, but I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Also, if you would like to be interviewed for this series (or would like to suggest someone), please let me know! I can be reached at: Ivana.d.greco@gmail.com.