I’m so glad you’re shining a light on this. Do you have any data on the dynamics between working moms and SAHMs who are in each other’s lives? I read an article in a magazine for working moms a few years ago about how important it is to maintain a good relationship with the SAHM in your life - largely so she will continue to do favors for you around school pickups and childcare, etc. I was rather horrified by the extreme one-way nature of the relationship that the article was encouraging.
I don’t yet have stats on that topic, although I agree it is a very interesting one! I have also read online articles along the lines of the one you referenced. I think stay-at-home moms can provide an important childcare safety net for working parents. However, essays like the one you describe make it seem as if a mom at home doesn’t have plenty of her own important work to keep her busy. (But of course, she does, and so it’s important to recognize it’s a big deal for her to take on caring for another child, even if she’s willing to do it).
Sure, but I can pretty easily take in a kid or two for my friend during my sahm days, whereas a professionally working mom can't take my kids to the office. Although - I have a friend who works full time from home and has allowed some of us sahms to bring kids to her house for her nanny to watch for a bit. I call my working mom friends for advice in their field. My friend who is a pharmacist answers my texts about what meds I can give the kids in a more personal (and more reasonable, less panicked risk averse) way than doctors.
This was such a good post. I've spent a lot of time pondering our eroding institutions, but less so about the vanishing skill sets that erosion has created. This line really jumped out:
"We assumed the social fabric would continue to exist without anyone with skill and expertise dedicated to maintaining it.
We were wrong."
Each year, we host a big christmas party where we invite everyone we can think of in our area (typically ends up being about 100 guests or so, depending on who is actually in town). After the first couple of years, it became extremely apparent that organizing this kind of event required skills that we A) didn't previously have, and B) were in the process of acquiring. But this post got me thinking about how we, in middle age, are basically starting from scratch with these skills when our grandparents might have been acquiring them from a very young age.
I’m so glad you liked it Jim! I don’t think hosting skills need to be acquired at a young age - I expect many people don’t really start developing them until they have their own household. However, I also think it’s important to recognize that it is a very complex skill set for a task that takes a while to get good at (just like practically every other worthwhile thing…)
I've talked recently about the declining "muscle memory of collectives" in society. As autonomous individualism has risen and collectives have declined, I think we're losing valuable knowledge and practice at what it takes to remain connected. (Nancy Fraser's "social glue" is a helpful term too!).
Could I give a shout-out to Elise Granata's work over at "Group Hug"? Her exploration of the practices and challenges of keeping collectives alive are really helpful!
“Unsurprisingly, this increase in women’s paid work resulted in a decrease in their unpaid work, including the work of supporting local communities.”
Great to see this fully acknowledged by an American writer. I have struggled to find American women in even the most religious settings who understand this trade-off on a social level.
We can’t have properly functioning families if both parents are working outside of the home. Very simple point that is hardly understood or discussed today.
Yes. I should say, I think families can make it work with both parents working outside the home. Every family and circumstance is different. But I also think families with a stay-at-home mom or dad are *also* making crucial social contributions and want our society to be recognize and support families that want to organize their lives that way!
All married couples and families are different but we need to acknowledge that assortative mating means that female doctors are marrying male bankers. Dual-income families with very busy parents are not doing that much community building.
Many elite women who used to do community building or volunteering at the local church or school now have big jobs in the market economy.
On the eve of Christmas upcoming. Expecting 25 for lunch. Mum of 3. sibling to 5, mum in care due to Parkinson's dad just treading water.
I'm a stay at home mum keeping shit together and I realise now subconsciously I made that decision for my self and siblings.
I was a lawyer. I'm good at socialising and drawing people out. I host because no one else does / can. I just wish it was recognised for the value and worth it is.
II'm compelled to add my brother died in an accident aged 27, I'd just had my first baby. My uncle and aunty, my parent's biggest support network, died within 4 years of that.
When things fall down, how does everyone you know working full 40-50-60 hour weeks seem like a good idea. Who is keeping it together?
Thank you for sharing! As you know, the work you do with your children and family is so important. I hope we are beginning to change the tide on social recognition of that work.
I became a “SAHM” (in quotes because I find the language and the binary to be inaccurate and unhelpful; not relevant here—I just can’t help myself😂) because I felt a deep desire to be with my baby and we were frugal and fortunate to make it work. I had NO IDEA how much value a homemaker contributes, not just to a family but to a community. When I realized this, I was sold on never getting a full-time regular job ever again if I could help it. (Well, never say never I guess, but at least not for a while.) It has brought such deep meaning to my life to be able to contribute in these more invisible, intangible ways!
This is all so important. I especially loved the quote at the end, as I often think about my guilt that I'm not "contributing" to our family financially, but the reality is that my being home and making food from scratch, spending time to research health issues, homeschooling, etc...means *I* am the concierge service for all of these things. It's easy to discount that work, or to feel bad that it doesn't result in a dollar amount. And yes to the community building piece -- I've seen this so much with my MIL. She's never worked outside the home but is always, always, busy with hosting, bringing someone a meal, visiting her own kids, more recently caring for her own MIL. We really discount the amount of time and energy it takes to be the "kin keeper" of a group.
To that final comment, I think the expenditures (or desired expenditures) of wealthy families show that we’re okay valuing those bespoke meals, childcare, etc when it’s provided through the market. I’ve seen people asking for personal chef service recommendations in my area and no one responds “why not throw in a frozen pizza?” It’s assumed that the seeker knows about frozen pizza, but values something about having home-cooked meals. Likewise, I know families that value the flexibility of an au pair or that a nanny means their baby gets more consistent naps. These are perks that can be provided through the market or through insourcing, but it’s only seen as a marker of “intensive mothering” when it’s provided by mom.
Yes. I am a pretty plain cook myself, but when I’m not grappling with a newborn or some other equivalent family crisis, my family eats much, much better than when I have to rely on frozen meals or take out. And it’s usually cheaper. Yet, when you discuss these things in public, sometimes it’s assumed you are just being precious (or perhaps wasting your potential) for caring.
I also try to share with my daughters the fact that there is a great pleasure, never discussed, in having the objects of work be beloved family members. Looking after the ones you love, making good food, making a nice home, making them happy by your direct effort is rewarding beyond the satisfaction of working most jobs, in exchange for money, with which you can buy goods and services for the ones you love. That family work does include creating a network of resources, connections and friends for yourself and your family members, as you discuss here, building an essential community for all.
I like the term "bespoke education". As a homeschooling mom of five special needs kids, I don't have a lot of free time for community building, which is something I feel sorely. Instead, I spend a lot of time being not only teacher but also special ed coordinator, and concierge service coordinating mental health providers and other services. Honestly, it can be pretty lonely because there aren't other stay at home moms around to be company. We used to have more community but the pandemic kind of blew that up and we are still not really recovered from the mental health crises that it triggered.
I'm halfway through writing an article on a similar topic. The main problem is the same: social fabric is falling apart. But I'm focusing on another reason for that: lack of local common interest communities. I hope I'll get it finished and some people get to read it (right now I get no readers yet as I only started last week on Substack). In case I got anyone's attention, you may want to check it out.
This was fascinating and completely true! It is staggering how in our technological society where we think we're connected to everyone at all times how we have forgotten that maintaining real relationship takes a lot of time. It takes time to organize things, prepare and coordinate an event, and then the time needed for the actual event. In organizing events in the past few years I've found that most people have a cavalier attitude to the amount of time and effort that goes in to creating an event, which really speaks to their own inexperience in ever hosting or organizing.
I will also say that I can look back at whole weeks of my life as a stay at home mom and wonder what I actually got done! But then I realize that I helped my mom with a project, watched a sister in laws kids, took meetings with my kids teachers, took kids to doctors appointments, volunteered with one of my kid's clubs, all while maintaining a home, cooking, cleaning, and homeschooling. But because I don't have a fancy job title or coworkers or a salary it somehow feels like I'm unproductive?? It sometimes feels almost as if I'm gaslighting myself. And I'm someone who is intellectually committed and believe firmly in the value of staying at home! With a supportive husband, family, and the vast majority of my close friends! I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those who are trying to stay home with their kids without that kind of support system or a philosophical commitment to how important staying at home is.
Also, what a fantastic comment from that stay at home dad!
Thank you for your comment, Christy! I complete agree. It’s so easy to loose sight of everything we do outside the market economy and how important it is to… even when we are in the trenches doing it!
The problem with this view is that if women are only homemakers, women will ONLY be homemakers, having to grovel to their husbands to continue eating and living indoors. Further, women will never have the time or space to do their own creative and moneymaking projects. I find it deeply offensive that poor Katie gets time off is to do stuff for other people. Their relationship forces her to smother any personality or creativity she might have. She’s the Giving Tree, not a real person. Her husband can claim that his work, which gives him honor and a public profile, also serves his family. He gets both. She has to beg him to allow her to go do a bunch of crap for other people. She’s made herself a human sacrifice.
Shorter: if men think this stuff is important, men need to do it themselves instead of demanding that women do all their shit work.
First, many homemakers these days are men, and I’m curious if you think this argument applies to them. Second, the whole point of this post - and indeed this substack - is that the work of caring for others is not “shit work” but rather deeply meaningful, social valuable work that we should both honor and support. Third, I’m curious why you think Kate Carney is not a “real person” because she is deeply invested and dedicated to her family and community. Choosing to prioritize that makes a person - in my mind any way - more, not less “real.” We honor men and women who take that path in a public facing way, such as civil rights leaders and the early suffragettes. I argue that we should also honor those who do so in a much less visible way. Their work is still invaluable even if it’s not leading protest marches. Society could not operate without those (whether male or female) who do the work of community and home. They deserve our respect and support; not comments that they are to be pitied and that they lack personality or creativity.
The tasks are important. The problem with everything anyone has ever written about this is that those ‘isn’t homemaking great!!!’ arguments present those tasks as something women do because we’re just naturally born absent of any ambition or desire to exist in public. Our inferior status is just expected and who can be expected to fight against biology amirite? You didn’t intend to say this but you don’t present much of an alternative either.
Someone needs to acknowledge that many of the individual tasks of homemaking are actually engaging — cooking really is a pleasure to me and my sons — but the drudgery is still there and a just society spreads both the drudgery and the pleasure evenly. Sharp divisions of labor by gender do the opposite.
I don’t think homemaking tasks are innate to women and have never said so, and have presented an extensive interview with a homemaking father and working mother that explains this very eloquently. It is true that most homemakers are mothers, and I could write a long post on that topic but I do not think work is less valuable or important because it is primarily done by women.
On the drudgery point: every worthwhile task involves drudgery. I see you are a lawyer. I was one too. Doing document review involves tons of drudgery but that does not mean no one should be a lawyer. My whole argument here is that caring for home and family is real work, and we should support and honor those who do it.
I think our disagreement is about how to achieve the same ends with very different means. I don’t praise ‘homemaking’ because I think the word is too broad. It covers too many different tasks in too many different areas. Cooking and much childcare give a lot of satisfaction and scope for creativity; laundry and toilet scrubbing are things to finish as quickly as possible. (Document review and discovery responses at involve words, but otherwise both groups of chores are painfully boring.)
I would focus on discussing types of tasks instead of roles.
I don’t think our disagreement is over how to achieve the same ends, because if it were, you would not have opened with a discussion about how homemakers lose their personality and creativity by making themselves martyrs. I think that homemaking tasks, even the disagreeable ones, are important and that the people who do them are deserving of respect. To the extent you are arguing that no one should be forced to stay home when they don’t want to, I wholeheartedly agree. Ditto if you are suggesting homemakers, like everyone else, deserve opportunities for resting and recuperating. However, to the extent you think that women (or men?) cannot become homemakers without “making herself a human sacrifice” or “groveling” to a spouse, I strongly disagree.
I’m so glad you’re shining a light on this. Do you have any data on the dynamics between working moms and SAHMs who are in each other’s lives? I read an article in a magazine for working moms a few years ago about how important it is to maintain a good relationship with the SAHM in your life - largely so she will continue to do favors for you around school pickups and childcare, etc. I was rather horrified by the extreme one-way nature of the relationship that the article was encouraging.
I don’t yet have stats on that topic, although I agree it is a very interesting one! I have also read online articles along the lines of the one you referenced. I think stay-at-home moms can provide an important childcare safety net for working parents. However, essays like the one you describe make it seem as if a mom at home doesn’t have plenty of her own important work to keep her busy. (But of course, she does, and so it’s important to recognize it’s a big deal for her to take on caring for another child, even if she’s willing to do it).
Sure, but I can pretty easily take in a kid or two for my friend during my sahm days, whereas a professionally working mom can't take my kids to the office. Although - I have a friend who works full time from home and has allowed some of us sahms to bring kids to her house for her nanny to watch for a bit. I call my working mom friends for advice in their field. My friend who is a pharmacist answers my texts about what meds I can give the kids in a more personal (and more reasonable, less panicked risk averse) way than doctors.
Thanks so much for the shout out!
This was such a good post. I've spent a lot of time pondering our eroding institutions, but less so about the vanishing skill sets that erosion has created. This line really jumped out:
"We assumed the social fabric would continue to exist without anyone with skill and expertise dedicated to maintaining it.
We were wrong."
Each year, we host a big christmas party where we invite everyone we can think of in our area (typically ends up being about 100 guests or so, depending on who is actually in town). After the first couple of years, it became extremely apparent that organizing this kind of event required skills that we A) didn't previously have, and B) were in the process of acquiring. But this post got me thinking about how we, in middle age, are basically starting from scratch with these skills when our grandparents might have been acquiring them from a very young age.
Anyway, very though provoking.
I’m so glad you liked it Jim! I don’t think hosting skills need to be acquired at a young age - I expect many people don’t really start developing them until they have their own household. However, I also think it’s important to recognize that it is a very complex skill set for a task that takes a while to get good at (just like practically every other worthwhile thing…)
Came here to ditto the same thing!
I've talked recently about the declining "muscle memory of collectives" in society. As autonomous individualism has risen and collectives have declined, I think we're losing valuable knowledge and practice at what it takes to remain connected. (Nancy Fraser's "social glue" is a helpful term too!).
Could I give a shout-out to Elise Granata's work over at "Group Hug"? Her exploration of the practices and challenges of keeping collectives alive are really helpful!
https://grouphug.substack.com/
Thank you for the reference to Elise! Social glue is indeed a great term.
It’s so helpful! I think I expand on it here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theuntethereddilemma/p/lifters-leaners-and-social-glue?r=1f7q2z&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for sharing!!! Looking forward to reading it.
“Unsurprisingly, this increase in women’s paid work resulted in a decrease in their unpaid work, including the work of supporting local communities.”
Great to see this fully acknowledged by an American writer. I have struggled to find American women in even the most religious settings who understand this trade-off on a social level.
We can’t have properly functioning families if both parents are working outside of the home. Very simple point that is hardly understood or discussed today.
Yes. I should say, I think families can make it work with both parents working outside the home. Every family and circumstance is different. But I also think families with a stay-at-home mom or dad are *also* making crucial social contributions and want our society to be recognize and support families that want to organize their lives that way!
All married couples and families are different but we need to acknowledge that assortative mating means that female doctors are marrying male bankers. Dual-income families with very busy parents are not doing that much community building.
Many elite women who used to do community building or volunteering at the local church or school now have big jobs in the market economy.
I appreciate this piece so much.
On the eve of Christmas upcoming. Expecting 25 for lunch. Mum of 3. sibling to 5, mum in care due to Parkinson's dad just treading water.
I'm a stay at home mum keeping shit together and I realise now subconsciously I made that decision for my self and siblings.
I was a lawyer. I'm good at socialising and drawing people out. I host because no one else does / can. I just wish it was recognised for the value and worth it is.
II'm compelled to add my brother died in an accident aged 27, I'd just had my first baby. My uncle and aunty, my parent's biggest support network, died within 4 years of that.
When things fall down, how does everyone you know working full 40-50-60 hour weeks seem like a good idea. Who is keeping it together?
Thank you for sharing! As you know, the work you do with your children and family is so important. I hope we are beginning to change the tide on social recognition of that work.
I became a “SAHM” (in quotes because I find the language and the binary to be inaccurate and unhelpful; not relevant here—I just can’t help myself😂) because I felt a deep desire to be with my baby and we were frugal and fortunate to make it work. I had NO IDEA how much value a homemaker contributes, not just to a family but to a community. When I realized this, I was sold on never getting a full-time regular job ever again if I could help it. (Well, never say never I guess, but at least not for a while.) It has brought such deep meaning to my life to be able to contribute in these more invisible, intangible ways!
Yes, having the time to help contribute to the wider community is so rewarding.
This is all so important. I especially loved the quote at the end, as I often think about my guilt that I'm not "contributing" to our family financially, but the reality is that my being home and making food from scratch, spending time to research health issues, homeschooling, etc...means *I* am the concierge service for all of these things. It's easy to discount that work, or to feel bad that it doesn't result in a dollar amount. And yes to the community building piece -- I've seen this so much with my MIL. She's never worked outside the home but is always, always, busy with hosting, bringing someone a meal, visiting her own kids, more recently caring for her own MIL. We really discount the amount of time and energy it takes to be the "kin keeper" of a group.
I learned about the term “kin keeper” from Jim, and find it very useful!
To that final comment, I think the expenditures (or desired expenditures) of wealthy families show that we’re okay valuing those bespoke meals, childcare, etc when it’s provided through the market. I’ve seen people asking for personal chef service recommendations in my area and no one responds “why not throw in a frozen pizza?” It’s assumed that the seeker knows about frozen pizza, but values something about having home-cooked meals. Likewise, I know families that value the flexibility of an au pair or that a nanny means their baby gets more consistent naps. These are perks that can be provided through the market or through insourcing, but it’s only seen as a marker of “intensive mothering” when it’s provided by mom.
Yes. I am a pretty plain cook myself, but when I’m not grappling with a newborn or some other equivalent family crisis, my family eats much, much better than when I have to rely on frozen meals or take out. And it’s usually cheaper. Yet, when you discuss these things in public, sometimes it’s assumed you are just being precious (or perhaps wasting your potential) for caring.
I also try to share with my daughters the fact that there is a great pleasure, never discussed, in having the objects of work be beloved family members. Looking after the ones you love, making good food, making a nice home, making them happy by your direct effort is rewarding beyond the satisfaction of working most jobs, in exchange for money, with which you can buy goods and services for the ones you love. That family work does include creating a network of resources, connections and friends for yourself and your family members, as you discuss here, building an essential community for all.
Yes. It’s a way of living an integrated life, which is a nice way to live.
I like the term "bespoke education". As a homeschooling mom of five special needs kids, I don't have a lot of free time for community building, which is something I feel sorely. Instead, I spend a lot of time being not only teacher but also special ed coordinator, and concierge service coordinating mental health providers and other services. Honestly, it can be pretty lonely because there aren't other stay at home moms around to be company. We used to have more community but the pandemic kind of blew that up and we are still not really recovered from the mental health crises that it triggered.
I also loved the term bespoke education! I hope you can find community again. The work you are doing with your special needs children is so important.
I'm halfway through writing an article on a similar topic. The main problem is the same: social fabric is falling apart. But I'm focusing on another reason for that: lack of local common interest communities. I hope I'll get it finished and some people get to read it (right now I get no readers yet as I only started last week on Substack). In case I got anyone's attention, you may want to check it out.
I would love to read it when it’s available!
Thanks for the motivation. Voila, it's out there.
Thank you for writing it! So interesting.
This was fascinating and completely true! It is staggering how in our technological society where we think we're connected to everyone at all times how we have forgotten that maintaining real relationship takes a lot of time. It takes time to organize things, prepare and coordinate an event, and then the time needed for the actual event. In organizing events in the past few years I've found that most people have a cavalier attitude to the amount of time and effort that goes in to creating an event, which really speaks to their own inexperience in ever hosting or organizing.
I will also say that I can look back at whole weeks of my life as a stay at home mom and wonder what I actually got done! But then I realize that I helped my mom with a project, watched a sister in laws kids, took meetings with my kids teachers, took kids to doctors appointments, volunteered with one of my kid's clubs, all while maintaining a home, cooking, cleaning, and homeschooling. But because I don't have a fancy job title or coworkers or a salary it somehow feels like I'm unproductive?? It sometimes feels almost as if I'm gaslighting myself. And I'm someone who is intellectually committed and believe firmly in the value of staying at home! With a supportive husband, family, and the vast majority of my close friends! I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those who are trying to stay home with their kids without that kind of support system or a philosophical commitment to how important staying at home is.
Also, what a fantastic comment from that stay at home dad!
Thank you for your comment, Christy! I complete agree. It’s so easy to loose sight of everything we do outside the market economy and how important it is to… even when we are in the trenches doing it!
The problem with this view is that if women are only homemakers, women will ONLY be homemakers, having to grovel to their husbands to continue eating and living indoors. Further, women will never have the time or space to do their own creative and moneymaking projects. I find it deeply offensive that poor Katie gets time off is to do stuff for other people. Their relationship forces her to smother any personality or creativity she might have. She’s the Giving Tree, not a real person. Her husband can claim that his work, which gives him honor and a public profile, also serves his family. He gets both. She has to beg him to allow her to go do a bunch of crap for other people. She’s made herself a human sacrifice.
Shorter: if men think this stuff is important, men need to do it themselves instead of demanding that women do all their shit work.
First, many homemakers these days are men, and I’m curious if you think this argument applies to them. Second, the whole point of this post - and indeed this substack - is that the work of caring for others is not “shit work” but rather deeply meaningful, social valuable work that we should both honor and support. Third, I’m curious why you think Kate Carney is not a “real person” because she is deeply invested and dedicated to her family and community. Choosing to prioritize that makes a person - in my mind any way - more, not less “real.” We honor men and women who take that path in a public facing way, such as civil rights leaders and the early suffragettes. I argue that we should also honor those who do so in a much less visible way. Their work is still invaluable even if it’s not leading protest marches. Society could not operate without those (whether male or female) who do the work of community and home. They deserve our respect and support; not comments that they are to be pitied and that they lack personality or creativity.
Very few homemakers are men.
The tasks are important. The problem with everything anyone has ever written about this is that those ‘isn’t homemaking great!!!’ arguments present those tasks as something women do because we’re just naturally born absent of any ambition or desire to exist in public. Our inferior status is just expected and who can be expected to fight against biology amirite? You didn’t intend to say this but you don’t present much of an alternative either.
Someone needs to acknowledge that many of the individual tasks of homemaking are actually engaging — cooking really is a pleasure to me and my sons — but the drudgery is still there and a just society spreads both the drudgery and the pleasure evenly. Sharp divisions of labor by gender do the opposite.
I don’t think homemaking tasks are innate to women and have never said so, and have presented an extensive interview with a homemaking father and working mother that explains this very eloquently. It is true that most homemakers are mothers, and I could write a long post on that topic but I do not think work is less valuable or important because it is primarily done by women.
On the drudgery point: every worthwhile task involves drudgery. I see you are a lawyer. I was one too. Doing document review involves tons of drudgery but that does not mean no one should be a lawyer. My whole argument here is that caring for home and family is real work, and we should support and honor those who do it.
I think our disagreement is about how to achieve the same ends with very different means. I don’t praise ‘homemaking’ because I think the word is too broad. It covers too many different tasks in too many different areas. Cooking and much childcare give a lot of satisfaction and scope for creativity; laundry and toilet scrubbing are things to finish as quickly as possible. (Document review and discovery responses at involve words, but otherwise both groups of chores are painfully boring.)
I would focus on discussing types of tasks instead of roles.
I don’t think our disagreement is over how to achieve the same ends, because if it were, you would not have opened with a discussion about how homemakers lose their personality and creativity by making themselves martyrs. I think that homemaking tasks, even the disagreeable ones, are important and that the people who do them are deserving of respect. To the extent you are arguing that no one should be forced to stay home when they don’t want to, I wholeheartedly agree. Ditto if you are suggesting homemakers, like everyone else, deserve opportunities for resting and recuperating. However, to the extent you think that women (or men?) cannot become homemakers without “making herself a human sacrifice” or “groveling” to a spouse, I strongly disagree.