This was really interesting ! I really loved John’s description of the “potent combination of stress and boredom.” That really articulates something I’ve felt but couldn’t describe. I’m curious about community reactions to a stay-at-home parent having childcare help. We have a somewhat similar set up: I’m a full time stay-at-home mom, my older kids attend private school and I have some baby-sitting help (probably 15 hours per month, not weekly). I do generally feel that this is viewed as a luxury instead of necessary support for the primary caregiver. I use the babysitting time primarily to take care of my health after having 4 children in quick succession (chiropractic, physical therapy, gym time etc.), but still people seem surprised that I would need babysitters at all!
I’m a stay at home mom to two little boys (3.5, 1.5, expecting baby #3 in September) and have had a sitter once a week this summer. This supplements the other supports I have during the school year (Mom’s groups and volunteering that also provides childcare) I completely relate that a sitter is an invaluable support. For me to have appointments without the kids in tow (the office physically is not capable of handling them), but also for my sanity to have some breathing space and to appreciate them with that distance as well.
This was tremendously helpful to me as my husband and I discern what our near-future will look like as we navigate employment changes and contemplate homeschooling (while still desiring to continue adding more children, of which we already have 4, to our family). Thank you so, so much for publishing this insightful interview, and my deep gratitude goes out to the couple for sharing their faithful, thoughtful discernment of these issues!
This is great, Ivana! Love that you are doing this series!
I've told you about the "60 hour rule", right?! Someone told me this when our kids were young, and I think it's such a valuable framework... basically, the idea is that when you have young kids, if you're lucky enough to have two parents in the picture, things work best if the two parents together work no more than 60 hours a week. Split it up however you like: a) one partner working 60 hours, the other home full time; b) one working 40 hours and the other half-time; c) both in flexible 30 hr a week jobs, etc... But any more than 60 collectively, and you are toast!! (Or at least require the daily involvement of another adult human! 😉)
When I look at the families I know, this seems to well capture the many ways folks figure out the juggle! (Though, of course, there are many arguments to be made that this is a very American-centric frame that overvalues work and undervalues caretaking, and that 60 hours is way too high a number! I'll let YOU make those! 😘)
And, it must be said that OF COURSE the other thing this emphasizes is just how darn hard single parents in the US have it. 🥵
That seems like such a wise rule! I imagine the exact ideal number of hours really varies based on the number of children, their ages, any special needs, etc., but it seems very reasonable. I am familiar with research showing that when dad works more than 55 hours a week, they see increased aggression in boys, so there may be some evidence behind it as well. I am so glad you are enjoying the series!
Thank you for this insightful interview! This couple displays beautiful prayerful discernment for their family's choices and openness to future seasons having a different look.
I'm currently a stay at home mom, but I've been the breadwinner at my engineering job while my husband was in grad school and our first child was young. I was able to work a 32 hour schedule, we had a close friend as our nanny and my mother lived next door (literally, in a duplex, I didn't need to put on shoes to ask my mother to hold the baby so I could get a shower.)
Sometimes the conversation around stay at home moms and financially providing for a family feels flat and un-nuanced! Someone might see me today and think I "made the right choice," while my family instead sees life in seasons, and we've had different solutions to providing for our family in different seasons.
Thanks for another great interview, Ivana. This one has made me rethink how married couples grounded in God might care for their families. And the answer can be varied, even if the personal choices—dad at home most of the time; mom at work most of the time—are not as common as others (like the mother as the primary caregiver and the father as the primary wage earner). While I think the latter is still usually the best and easiest option for families (re: breastfeeding, among other things), I appreciate the couple here obviously being thoughtful and deliberate about their care delineation and keeping such delineation flexible. That’s key.
Yes, I also found the theological discussion to be really rich and shaped my own thinking about the question. I’m so grateful the couple took the time to give us their tremendously insightful views on that subject - along with an interesting look at many other topics!
I wonder how things would have shifted if John and Rebecca had children a year after marrying at 23 instead of at 27 five years after marriage. I bet John would have had to be the breadwinner if children had come along earlier. Good interview and window into elite Anglo-America.
This was really interesting ! I really loved John’s description of the “potent combination of stress and boredom.” That really articulates something I’ve felt but couldn’t describe. I’m curious about community reactions to a stay-at-home parent having childcare help. We have a somewhat similar set up: I’m a full time stay-at-home mom, my older kids attend private school and I have some baby-sitting help (probably 15 hours per month, not weekly). I do generally feel that this is viewed as a luxury instead of necessary support for the primary caregiver. I use the babysitting time primarily to take care of my health after having 4 children in quick succession (chiropractic, physical therapy, gym time etc.), but still people seem surprised that I would need babysitters at all!
I’m a stay at home mom to two little boys (3.5, 1.5, expecting baby #3 in September) and have had a sitter once a week this summer. This supplements the other supports I have during the school year (Mom’s groups and volunteering that also provides childcare) I completely relate that a sitter is an invaluable support. For me to have appointments without the kids in tow (the office physically is not capable of handling them), but also for my sanity to have some breathing space and to appreciate them with that distance as well.
This was tremendously helpful to me as my husband and I discern what our near-future will look like as we navigate employment changes and contemplate homeschooling (while still desiring to continue adding more children, of which we already have 4, to our family). Thank you so, so much for publishing this insightful interview, and my deep gratitude goes out to the couple for sharing their faithful, thoughtful discernment of these issues!
I’m so glad it was helpful to you, and share your gratitude to the husband and wife who did this interview!
This is great, Ivana! Love that you are doing this series!
I've told you about the "60 hour rule", right?! Someone told me this when our kids were young, and I think it's such a valuable framework... basically, the idea is that when you have young kids, if you're lucky enough to have two parents in the picture, things work best if the two parents together work no more than 60 hours a week. Split it up however you like: a) one partner working 60 hours, the other home full time; b) one working 40 hours and the other half-time; c) both in flexible 30 hr a week jobs, etc... But any more than 60 collectively, and you are toast!! (Or at least require the daily involvement of another adult human! 😉)
When I look at the families I know, this seems to well capture the many ways folks figure out the juggle! (Though, of course, there are many arguments to be made that this is a very American-centric frame that overvalues work and undervalues caretaking, and that 60 hours is way too high a number! I'll let YOU make those! 😘)
And, it must be said that OF COURSE the other thing this emphasizes is just how darn hard single parents in the US have it. 🥵
That seems like such a wise rule! I imagine the exact ideal number of hours really varies based on the number of children, their ages, any special needs, etc., but it seems very reasonable. I am familiar with research showing that when dad works more than 55 hours a week, they see increased aggression in boys, so there may be some evidence behind it as well. I am so glad you are enjoying the series!
Thank you for this insightful interview! This couple displays beautiful prayerful discernment for their family's choices and openness to future seasons having a different look.
I'm currently a stay at home mom, but I've been the breadwinner at my engineering job while my husband was in grad school and our first child was young. I was able to work a 32 hour schedule, we had a close friend as our nanny and my mother lived next door (literally, in a duplex, I didn't need to put on shoes to ask my mother to hold the baby so I could get a shower.)
Sometimes the conversation around stay at home moms and financially providing for a family feels flat and un-nuanced! Someone might see me today and think I "made the right choice," while my family instead sees life in seasons, and we've had different solutions to providing for our family in different seasons.
Thanks for another great interview, Ivana. This one has made me rethink how married couples grounded in God might care for their families. And the answer can be varied, even if the personal choices—dad at home most of the time; mom at work most of the time—are not as common as others (like the mother as the primary caregiver and the father as the primary wage earner). While I think the latter is still usually the best and easiest option for families (re: breastfeeding, among other things), I appreciate the couple here obviously being thoughtful and deliberate about their care delineation and keeping such delineation flexible. That’s key.
Yes, I also found the theological discussion to be really rich and shaped my own thinking about the question. I’m so grateful the couple took the time to give us their tremendously insightful views on that subject - along with an interesting look at many other topics!
Loved this so so much.
I wonder how things would have shifted if John and Rebecca had children a year after marrying at 23 instead of at 27 five years after marriage. I bet John would have had to be the breadwinner if children had come along earlier. Good interview and window into elite Anglo-America.